Questions

Today the boys and I went shopping for winter coats (which are REALLY expensive, by the way!) We shopped around, found the best deal, and headed home. On the way home the boys started asking about my dad, who died about two years ago. The conversation went like this:

Jacob: Mama, I love you.
Me: I love you, too, Jacob.
Jacob: I love you and Daddy and Joe and Grandpa and your daddy. But I can't see your daddy cuz he died.
Me: Yes, he did. But you know, he loved you very much.
Jacob: Yes, he did! But he died. And we can't see him anymore. Right, Mama? Your daddy died?
Me: Yes.
Jacob: Cuz someone shooted him?

That's all I will type out of the conversation, but you can see where my post is going. First of all, obviously I had to set him straight. No one shot my dad, he was sick. I explained that my dad had had a disease that made his body stop working the way it should, which was why he died.

However, it leads me to a major question--if I monitor what the boys watch, and we don't watch a bunch of shoot-'em-up type movies, where on earth did he get that idea? The best I can figure is that a man from our town, a football coach who is very well known nationally, was shot last year, and it's still big news around town.

As practical of an explanation as that may be, I am still thrown aback by the question. Death is such a difficult topic to address with small children. The boys saw my dad, but he was already sick when they were born. To them, it was normal for Dad to be in a wheelchair, and they didn't see, nor would they understand, the decline that led him there. However, they got to know my dad, they were able to say goodbye before he died, and they were at the funeral. In the past Joseph has made the connection that if Jesus is in his heart, and my dad is with Jesus, then my dad must also be in his heart. But, they still don't fully grasp the idea of death. To them it just means that someone is no longer around, they can't see them, and that's it.

As I type this I realize that I'm talking about the idea of death being difficult to grasp as a child...and yet I don't fully grasp it, either. Obviously, I know what it is, and what it means. I just still haven't come to terms with the fact that death has taken my dad. I want to be able to see him. I want him to be able to watch the boys grow. I want to be able to call him up and say, "Hey, Dad. How's it going?" I still haven't been able to bring myself to take Dad's phone number out of the contact list on my cell phone--it just feels too much like deleting him out of my life completely, and I can't do it.

How am I supposed to explain things to the boys when I feel this way? The best I can do is to tell them that Dad is in heaven with Jesus, and because of that, we'll get to see him again one day. At least, it gives me peace to know that, and hopefully it will give peace to the boys, too.

How ironic is it that Jacob would ask questions the day before Dad's birthday?